I met a dying person today — this is what he told me.
I had one of my most profound experiences today — I met a dying man, and he told me things that I will forever remember.
You see, having diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer myself, I’ve had to deal with my personal journey. I’ve gone through a series of emotions from shock, denial, depression, and acceptance.
This “rollercoaster ride” involved coming terms with my mortality and struggling with the side effects of chemotherapy, all while trying to live life by the moment and treasure each experience & memory.
I am constantly being showered with words of support & acts of kindness, and for that, I feel incredibly grateful & loved.
However, those words have greater meaning coming from someone who’s “been there and done that.” Someone who shares your journey, your fears, and your expectations.
That’s something that I experienced today.
During one of my many trips to the hospital, I chatted with a complete stranger while waiting for my medication. *For privacy reasons, I will refer to this gentleman as “John.”
John, from what I can tell, was in his mid-late 50s. He was a veteran of “Operation Desert Storm.” He struck up our conversation because he overheard one of the staff call my name.
“Excuse me. I couldn’t help but overhear your name. Is it Audie?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Do you, by any chance, know a fella named ‘Audie Murphy’?”
“I sure do! My parents named me after him. In fact…”, I said, as I handed him my driver’s license.
“Holy cow! You took his whole name. ‘Audie Murphy Gustilo Roldan.’ Well, I’ll be darned. You were named after the real Captain America himself. That fella was one of the most decorated American heroes of our time. I loved that movie of his — ‘To Hell and Back.’”
We both chuckled as I told him that I saw that movie when I was a toddler. I told him it’s my dream to visit his grave someday in Arlington.
“So what are you here for, John…if you don’t mind me asking,” I asked.
And that’s when things turned into a more somber moment.
“Oh, I’m just here to say my goodbyes to my doctor and nurses,” John said.
“Going on vacation?” I asked.
“I wish. I’m saying my last goodbyes to the folks who cared for me.”
My smile suddenly turned into a half frown.
“Wow! I’m sorry to hear that.”
“Me too, kid. I was diagnosed with Terminal Cancer. They tried everything they could, but I’m now out of options. I’m visiting other folks today before I head over to the hospice to, well, you know…”
There was a long pause between us until he solemnly declared,
“…I’m dying.”
I stopped him and mentioned that I, too, am currently dealing with Stage 3 cancer. He patted my back as if to console me but immediately gave me a reassuring response.
“I wish I were in your shoes. You still have a lot of fight in you. You have a lot of runway to beat this thing compared to myself. Got kids?”
“Yes,” I said. “Two boys. My 7-year-old is named ‘Sawyer,’ and my 4-year-old is named ‘Finn.’ “
“That’s awesome!” he chuckled. “Mark Twain fans too, I see.”
“Not really. We just liked the sound of their names!” I quipped.
“That’s good. Well, anyway, I asked because that gives you more reasons to fight this thing,” John replied. “You were named after one of the greatest warriors of our time and I expect no less from you. You give that thing hell!”
I nodded my head in agreement. At this point, I had many questions, but I knew it’d take too much of his time.
There was, however, one thing I wanted to ask him. At first, I hesitated, but after a long pause, I found the courage to ask.
“John, I hope you don’t mind me asking this — and please don’t feel pressured to give me an answer if it’s too personal — but do you have any regrets?”
After another long pause, he bit his lower lip and answered,
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
His reply exactly matched an article I read a long time ago by an Australian nurse named Bronnie Ware
According to The Guardian,
“Bronnie Ware is an Australian nurse who spent several years working in palliative care, caring for patients in the last 12 weeks of their lives. She recorded their dying epiphanies in a blog called ‘Regrets of the Dying’ which gathered so much attention that she put her observations into a book called The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.”
John proceeded to tell me his biggest regrets (not in verbatim):
“I wish I had tried to follow my dreams and not the dreams of others.”
“I wanted to live in a vineyard and start my very own winery. I wanted to travel the world and would’ve loved trekking across Europe & retire in the Bahamas. I never truly did because life happened.”
“I wish I hadn’t worked too hard.”
“I regret spending most of my life working and working too hard to the point that it took most of my time. My kids are all grown up now, and they understand why I had to do it but I really wish I didn’t have to. I would love to turn back time and just spend most of that time with the ones I love!
I had to make enough money to live the life we wanted but in hindsight, we probably would’ve been fine not making as much. It’s the memories that matter, not the material things.
I sacrificed my own dreams to make someone else’s dream happen, and I regret that deeply.”
“I wish I had the courage to say ‘I’m sorry’ and to forgive someone.”
“I was too caught up with my ego that I let things consume me.
When I was in the battlefield, I thought I was invincible and wanted to kill all our enemies at the time but looking back, I was really just a scared young man, not realizing that the other side was just like me. Although I am a veteran now and would still gladly die for our country for a moral cause, I can tell you that we soldiers hate war the most.
Coming home, I brought back all that ego, grit, hate, and machismo with me, and it hurt a lot of people, including myself. I wish I hadn’t.”
“I wish I had stayed in contact with certain people, especially friends, and even those that I hurt or had hurt me.”
I broke a lot of hearts, and I wish I had the chance to say “I’m sorry.” Others broke my heart too, but I wish I had the opportunity to say, “I forgive you.” In fact, I will be doing that today and for as long as I can. Maybe this gesture is too little too late, but I have nothing to lose at this point. I hope it brings closure for everyone.”
“I wish I took more risks, especially with my dream of living in a Vineyard.”
“I was extremely passionate about it, and I think I would’ve been great at it. Well, I guess it’s too late for that now,” John chuckled.
I was speechless.
I was speechless because this complete stranger opened up and shared with me his most personal thoughts.
I was speechless because it came from a man who, to a certain degree, shared my journey and agony.
I was speechless because I, too, empathized with his regrets.
The only difference is I still have time to avoid those regrets.
- When it comes to following my dreams, I think I am on track, for the most part.
In fact, I wrote about it in another Medium article titled, “A letter to my 9-year-old self — from 43-year-old me — & the power of dreams.”
I haven’t fulfilled all of them yet (and I don’t think I will) but I sure will try my hardest.
2. When it comes to working too hard, I am not quite there yet.
However, I am happy to say that I’ve been lucky enough to find workplaces that, for the most part, were conscious of work-life balance. My current employer is a great example of that.
You see, I’m a people pleaser and passionate about the work that I do. Combine those two things, and you get a recipe for burn out.
However, I’m glad that for most of my career, I have had the pleasure of working for and with people who encourage me to take a break from work and to re-focus, and re-energize myself. And, it doesn’t hurt that my career/job is something that I love to do.
Sure, there will be times when certain workloads are unavoidable but I try to find a balance whenever I can or tell myself to “party hard” later. I may not be making that $150K+/year Silicon Valley-Wall Street salary with perks but I’m fine with that. My time with my family & kids means more than that.
And when it comes down to it, my kids and my family will always be my top priority; career be damned!
3. When it comes to expressing my feelings, saying I’m sorry, or offer forgiveness, I’m still working on it.
Three of the hardest things to say are:
1) “I’m sorry”
2) “I need help”
3) “Worcestershire Sauce”
Saying sorry is often hard. For one, I am sometimes oblivious to hurting people’s feelings (although I really try not to. See “People Pleaser” reference above). I sometimes don’t even have the mindset to swallow my ego and say sorry to my kids, but I need to.
But, I’m making progress. For example, I have reached out to a former classmate who, in hindsight, I might’ve inadvertently teased or even bullied. I am grateful that that person offered me his forgiveness.
In arguments, I try to say “I’m sorry” to my wife (I’m sure not enough) as soon as I realize I am in the wrong (Bless her heart for putting up with me and my flaws).
Although I try to exert my authority upon my kids, I often have to be reminded by my wife to say sorry to them as well, to set a good example.
If you are reading this and you are someone that I have wronged, please don’t hesitate to contact me and let me know. Please know that I didn’t mean it and I hope you can accept my apology.
I am sorry.
I just want to be friends with everybody.
And for those that have wronged me or hurt my feelings, I can honestly say I have forgiven them all. I have made peace with everyone, and I am happy with that.
Life is too short to carry all that weight.
4. When it comes to taking risks, I’m still working on it. :)
Stay tuned!
I mentioned this in my previous blog but I’ll mention it again here:
The ancient Romans have a saying: “Memento Mori”
“Memento Mori,” or translated in English, “Remember you must die.” The point of this reminder isn’t to be morbid or promote fear, but to inspire, motivate and clarify.
Life becomes more meaningful and holds more value if it’s finite. It’s a call to make every moment count.
Goodbye, John!
As for John and I, we parted ways, not with a handshake but with a much-needed hug. I then thanked him for his service. I didn’t even notice that the pharmacy called my name.
Not only has he taught me how to avoid our biggest regrets in life, but he has also encouraged me to continue the fight and be mindful of others in my life.
I hope this serves as a reminder to all of us on how to make the most of our fleeting time on this planet.
When your time is over, will you have your own regrets? If yes, you still have time to avoid them. Make your life count! DO IT….like, RIGHT NOW!
My journey continues…
